"A secret place of encounter - the intimacy of the Garden"

“You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.”
— Jeremiah 29:13

I once thought intimacy was a destination.
Now I know it’s a journey — one that winds through valleys of silence, through aching questions, through sacred repentance.

I learned intimacy not on a mountaintop, but in the wilderness of His silence.

For eleven years, I couldn’t hear Him.

And for a long time, I thought I was the only one hurting.

It was May 30, 2025, a Friday night.

In a desperate attempt to free myself from the spirit of lust, I crossed a line — not physically, but spiritually. In my striving for self-deliverance, I desecrated the sacred space of intimacy the Lord had been rebuilding with me.

Immediately, I knew.
I wept.
Not just because I failed, but because I had wounded the One I loved.

I didn’t just fall into temptation.
I trampled something holy.

And so I repented. Deeply. With groaning that words could not carry.

The next morning, May 31, 2025, I came before Him again.

This time, I didn’t ask for restoration or relief.
I didn’t ask for answers.
I asked what a Bride asks:

“How is Your heart, Lord?”

Because I knew He had been silent.
But I also knew — He had been hurting.

For eleven years, I thought I was the one in pain.
But suddenly, I realized: He had been carrying my pain too.

I wanted to know what He felt.
I wanted to know how deeply I had wounded Him.
I wanted to hear His side of the silence.

For a long moment, He didn’t answer.

And then, finally…

“You saw Me.”

I wept again.
Because yes — in that moment, I did see Him.
Bleeding. Carrying my wounds. Loving me in silence.

When the tears calmed, I asked again — this time not in rebellion, not in complaint, but in longing:

“Why did You let me feel all those things alone?
Why did You wait so long to speak?
Why were You silent through the years I suffered?
Why did You let the church misunderstand me?
Why did You hide Your voice while I was breaking?”

Years of pain spilled out in the form of why.

And then came His answer. Simple, weighty, unforgettable:

“I did not speak because of your unbelief.”
 

At first, I didn’t fully understand.

But slowly, clarity came.

I remembered how the attacks intensified after He called me “My wife, My bride”…
After the secret chamber encounter…
After the dreams He gave me.

Then came the spiritual warfare — confusion, lust, oppression —
And then came the church.

I was misunderstood. Labeled.
In my effort to belong, I began to bury my dreams.
I told myself maybe they weren’t real. Maybe I was deceived.
Maybe I had imagined the voice that once felt like thunder and tenderness combined.

And somewhere along the way…

I stopped believing.

Not in His existence —
But in His desire to speak to me.

And so He was silent.
Not because He was absent,
But because He was waiting for me to believe again.

That afternoon, as the clock neared 3:33 PM, I lifted my heart again.

I whispered:

“I want to listen to You.
I want to hear Your voice.
I want to know Your heart.”

And then came the shift in heaven.

“Now we are talking,” He said.

At that exact moment — 3:33 PM on May 31, 2025 — I crossed a threshold in the Spirit.

I wasn’t just His servant anymore.
I was His Bride.
Wounded, but ready to hear.

And then, the words I had longed for — but never expected — came flooding in:

“Your heart is so tender.”
“I love you so much.”
“You’ve been hurting.”

“I love you so much.”
“You felt abandoned and rejected.”
“I love you so much.”

He said it three times.
Not to emphasize my guilt.
But to heal the places silence had broken.

For years, I thought I was the victim of His silence.
But now I know:

He was the Wounded One, too.
Waiting.
Bleeding.
Longing to be believed.

And when I finally asked, “How is Your heart?” —
He let me see it.

That is intimacy.

Maybe you're in that long night of confusion.
Maybe you think He's done with you.
Maybe you think the silence is punishment.

But beloved — it might be His protection.
It might be His grief.
It might be His holy longing — waiting for you to say,
“How is Your heart, Lord?”

When you do…
He will speak.

And you may hear Him say:

“Now we are talking.”

And what follows…
Will change you forever.